She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
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God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
(more comics:
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it