STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
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I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.