*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
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Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My boss called in sick of me
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
had to share :’)
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.