interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
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MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no