she wears short skirts
i do tax fraud
she’s cheer captain and
i’m in jail for tax fraud

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Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.


sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should


DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…


Rememeber when Uruguay fans got angry at Paul Dummett for injuring Suarez & then used Google Translate to insult him


Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one


*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*


[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep


Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*


*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *

*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *