@INTERNETRICO

she wears short skirts
i do tax fraud
she’s cheer captain and
i’m in jail for tax fraud

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@TheBoydP

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

@awhalefact

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

@FunnyBison

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

@_davidsc

Rememeber when Uruguay fans got angry at Paul Dummett for injuring Suarez & then used Google Translate to insult him

@DaddyJew

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

@meatlobes

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

@Owl_Meat

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

@Eden_Eats

*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *

*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *