Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
she wears short skirts
i do tax fraud
she’s cheer captain and
i’m in jail for tax fraud
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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Rememeber when Uruguay fans got angry at Paul Dummett for injuring Suarez & then used Google Translate to insult him
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[Car breaks down]
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *
*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *