I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
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Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Just parrot things
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”