@Home_Halfway

She wears short skirts
I eat ham late at night
She’s cheer captain and
I eat ham late at night

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@rad_milk

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

@mrjohntofu

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

@gavinpivott

My new year’s resolution is to be more grammary and stop making up words.

@jazmasta

Dude, what part of “I don’t speak your language” don’t you understand?

@Dishy2101

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

@FilthyRichmond

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

@BeefedUpStud

Offering a service where you pay $15 and I protect you for the night. I will be your personal gargoyle. I will perch myself above your bed in your room, and watch over you as you sleep.

@FreckleMcPickle

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

@Leemanish

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

@Jazzzzzmina

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.