ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
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What personal space?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
“Love means never having to say your sorry.”
– someone who is very single
Priest: God has a plan
Me: *dies, goes to heaven
God: Great you’re here. Can you get me the remote off the table?
Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.
Rapture’s tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus.
Two words: DUCK HUNT
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.