@McInappropriate

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

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@WineMummy

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

@GorillaNipples1

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

@wolfpupy

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

@ThaJawn

Give me that! You’re going to hurt yourself!

*takes toy
*hurts self with toy

4: Hahahaha

@plank_sinatra

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

@DangerouslyJoe9

A girl once asked if she wanted me to play Doctor. I said sure and made her wait in 2 different rooms for 45 minutes.

Humor stops for no one Samantha

@wit_haze

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.