she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
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Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset