she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

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[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it


News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!


“Love means never having to say your sorry.”

– someone who is very single


Me: *dying

Priest: God has a plan

Me: *dies, goes to heaven

God: Great you’re here. Can you get me the remote off the table?


Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.


Rapture’s tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus.

Two words: DUCK HUNT


My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.


My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.