I had sex and all I got were these kids.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
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“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Scariest things in the world:
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I am “knows everything about Aardvarks because Mom bought an encyclopedia,” years old.
[interrupting a rap battle] excuse me, sir, but that last line is factually inaccurate
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.