@RunOldMan

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

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@etherealraccoon

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

@momjeansplease

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

@UnFitz

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

@joegoats

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

@vincevangone

I am “knows everything about Aardvarks because Mom bought an encyclopedia,” years old.

@JoParkerBear

[interrupting a rap battle] excuse me, sir, but that last line is factually inaccurate

@ilayew

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

@robfee

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.