@SufficientCharm
I had sex and all I got were these kids.
@RunOldMan
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
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@SufficientCharm
@AnnietheNanny1
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
@etherealraccoon
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
@momjeansplease
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
@UnFitz
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
@joegoats
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
@vincevangone
I am “knows everything about Aardvarks because Mom bought an encyclopedia,” years old.
@JoParkerBear
[interrupting a rap battle] excuse me, sir, but that last line is factually inaccurate
@ilayew
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
@robfee
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.