Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
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putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
watergate? u mean a dam??
Life with a cat in one tweet
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.