anxiety: u up?
She yells if I kick the ice cube under the fridge
She yells if I pick it up and put it in her drink
Women are so confusing
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What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
A repeat offense of a shenanigan is called shenaniganagain
If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
My wife keeps 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in the shower. And if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor.
Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I’m a mindreader now?
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.