Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
You Might Also Like
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*