@Mr_Kapowski

She yells if I kick the ice cube under the fridge

She yells if I pick it up and put it in her drink

Women are so confusing

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@KeetPotato

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

@thesulk

“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”

@pilau

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

@bluetractor

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

@Dank_Pal

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

@FunnyJokeBook

Parents: “Why don’t you come socialize with the family?” Me: *sits with family* *gets insulted by entire family* *goes back to bedroom*

@alexlumaga

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

@jwoodham

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

@ALLCAPSBRO

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?