Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
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This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Well, this is awkward
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day