I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
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HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
At least he brought enough for everyone