@Try2StopME

She: You have a girlfriend?

He: No. I had one, though.

She: Where did she go?

He: She #Ransomware

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@GingerHotDish

Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.

@remington3000

I’m going to open a restaurant and call it I Don’t Care. So us men can finally take u women to the place u want to go to when we ask

@CallousBalzac

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

@Rachelnoise

Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You’d think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they’d be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

@ItsLaTourette

When you say ” friends with benefits” I assume you own a medical Marijuana dispensary and or a liquor store

@mommajessiec

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.