sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

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if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that Iโ€™m thankful for


“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.


When your homie hyped you up to talk to a girl and you look back one last time before risking it all.


I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.


I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.


I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”


Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.


Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.


A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”