if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
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“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
When your homie hyped you up to talk to a girl and you look back one last time before risking it all.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”