sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
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Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.