sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
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Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises