sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
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I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Worst Native American name ever.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME