Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

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You didn’t even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair!

– women


No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨


Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed.

Btw, I love what you’ve done with the place.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?


‘I’m sure it’s just water,’ I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.


Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”


The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.


Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.