@karanbirtinna

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

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@DaNaLa13

You didn’t even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair!

– women

@alexivenegas_

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

@MrMildSauce

Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed.

Btw, I love what you’ve done with the place.

@bingowings14

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

@JeremyKCMO

‘I’m sure it’s just water,’ I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.

@tastefactory

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

@RdrJay47

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

@robdelaney

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.