She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
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I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: you are going to hate me but I forgot your name
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
[glances toward living room stenographer]
“Please read back what my wife said 45 seconds ago.”
stenographer: I promise not to get mad
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”