@DiamondLou69

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

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@Peteypops13

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

@Jake_Vig

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

@UniqueDude2

me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: you are going to hate me but I forgot your name

@babyblue0924

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

@Dirty_Naomi

Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?

@novicefather

[glances toward living room stenographer]

“Please read back what my wife said 45 seconds ago.”

stenographer: I promise not to get mad

@GrillinChillin9

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”