She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
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An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.