If you think explaining this election to children was tough, try being single. The dog and houseplant just sat there in confused silence.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
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got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Nobody teaches you how to use a semicolon; you just read shit like this and it clicks
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing