@UnFitz

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

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@TheDairylandDon

If you think explaining this election to children was tough, try being single. The dog and houseplant just sat there in confused silence.

@mishakey

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

@RunOldMan

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

@ItsAllBollocks

Nobody teaches you how to use a semicolon; you just read shit like this and it clicks

@punmagnate

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

@jaketapper

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

@KagroX

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

@bobvulfov

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit