@IndecisiveJones

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

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@atDevin

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

@DouchyDocLove

Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.

@thepaulahunt

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

@Playing_Dad

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a mummy.

Mummy: omg I’m pregnant?!?

God: no you’re the walking dead wrapped in toilet paper.

Mummy: what does that mean?

God: mostly you walk around scaring people and cursing things.

Mummy: [nods] cause of the pregnancy hormones.

@LlamaInaTux

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

@WheelTod

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar