Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
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When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
#NeverForget
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.