@Robert_Beau

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

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@Sickayduh

I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair

@Parkerlawyer

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

@Reverend_Scott

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

@TattleTSister

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

@adult_keverage

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

@bobbiejo448

News reports 5hr Energy may be linked to death. Don’t know if it’s an advertising gimmick or not but I bought a bunch to gift, just in case.

@djdarrellripley

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

@ThaJawn

*breathes on window creating condensation

*starts to write in condensation

*sneezes

*head slams into window and breaks it