Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

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I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair


My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.


If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”


I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?


“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.


News reports 5hr Energy may be linked to death. Don’t know if it’s an advertising gimmick or not but I bought a bunch to gift, just in case.


Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.


*breathes on window creating condensation

*starts to write in condensation


*head slams into window and breaks it