@Robert_Beau

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

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@panmidwest

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

@DaddyJew

*sees gf upset*

Me: she looks mad, I should say something

Brain: lol tell her she’s overreacting

Me: ok

@TheToddWilliams

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

@Sammy_Sega

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

@robfee

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

@TheCatWhisprer

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

@izaaking

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

@Northside_Mike

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

@TheAndrewNadeau

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.