[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around
[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
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Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.
Historic moments in rap.
Jay W [username taken]
Jay X [username taken]
Jay Y [username taken]
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?