@Shenaniglenns

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

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@nbadag

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

@BuffyMaddingly

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

@prufrockluvsong

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

@markedly

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

@donni

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

@AnkCoupleTO

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

@junejuly12

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

@delusions_of

My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.

@_troyjohnson

Historic moments in rap.

Jay W [username taken]
Jay X [username taken]
Jay Y [username taken]
Jay Z

@Book_Krazy

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?