Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
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My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”