Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
You Might Also Like
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
The Friday File.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want