I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
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If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.