Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Welcome
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Jesus Christ lmao
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
