SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
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I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I hope it’s French Onion!
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago