Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
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If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Spider-cat: No One Home
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.