@SoulYodeler

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

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@UncleDuke1969

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

@onedumbshark

My bologna has a first name, and a second name, and a fake name, and a sexy nickname, and exactly none of them are your business so go away.

@DRUNKdadding

You know when your cat looks at your kids like “thanks to you I’ve been out of food for 3 days and nobody’s noticed” …..?

@MichaelTrying

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

@MsSweetTeaz

Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day

@yoyoha

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

@AwwRobin666

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

@reczit

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

@iGreenMonk

No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.