Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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My bologna has a first name, and a second name, and a fake name, and a sexy nickname, and exactly none of them are your business so go away.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt ThE cAt
You know when your cat looks at your kids like “thanks to you I’ve been out of food for 3 days and nobody’s noticed” …..?
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.