She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Banking tips
Basically.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
There are no pants in heaven.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.