she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
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I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts