“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.

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My rapper name would be “Lil’ Panic Attack”.


If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”


Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.


A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.


we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul


someone on Reddit said English is like five languages hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one language and like….yeah


Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled


Shopping with friend

“Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!”

Me: “What’s leftover pizza?


Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences