How times have changed.
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I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Life cycle of cat
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle