My rapper name would be “Lil’ Panic Attack”.
“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.
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If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
someone on Reddit said English is like five languages hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one language and like….yeah
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Shopping with friend
“Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!”
Me: “What’s leftover pizza?
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences