@crunchenhancer

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

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@TwinSurvivalist

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

@DairylandDon

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

@fluffysuse

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

@chrisanna4real

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

@dollarslices

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

@murrman5

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

@JimmerThatisAll

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

@MelvinofYork

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.