She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.


[puts key in lock]
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”


Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.


[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?


My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.




the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates


[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it


I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.


My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.