At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
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he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”