@sad_tree

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

- @sad_tree

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COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

@Darlainky

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

@Rollinintheseat

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

@Jason_maybe

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

@QwertyJones3

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

@c12h22o11balls

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

@KentWGraham

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

@audipenny

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,