I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
She’s one of a kind. Like an instagram sunset
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“Pizza is always good.” – everyone
“We’ll see about that.” – Papa John’s
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.