A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
So inspired right now.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”