@tsm560

She’s one of a kind. Like an instagram sunset

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@AmberSmelson

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

@kumailn

“Pizza is always good.” – everyone

“We’ll see about that.” – Papa John’s

@lovemydogduck

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

@RbenzHF

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

@anerdonfire2

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.