She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

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imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.


Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.


But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.


Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?


Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free


I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.


I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.


A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”


she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini