@LoveNLunchmeat

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

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@ilurngood

imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.

@TheNardvark

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

@LuvPug

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

@withanewname

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

@PinkCamoTO

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

@FakeDeanAccount

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

@TawaNicolas

I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.

@Vodkantots

A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”

@DougExeter

she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini