She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
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wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits