imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
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Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.
A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”
By age 35 you should be at least 35 years old
she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini