don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
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Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
#Caturday
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked