She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

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I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water


I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?


i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways


It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors


My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.


*maroon 5 band meeting*
‘Songs About Jane’ was a massive hit, let’s never make anything that sounds like it ever again. do u guys like disco