@not_thenanny

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

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@AndrewChamings

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

@FreudsTwin

I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?

@seanforhire

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

@pixelatedboat

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

@TheBlessMess

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

@mereip

*maroon 5 band meeting*
‘Songs About Jane’ was a massive hit, let’s never make anything that sounds like it ever again. do u guys like disco