Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
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“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.