Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@AbrasiveGhost

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

@TheAlexNevil

*wakes up feeling healthy and energetic
*eats donuts

Whew, that was close.

@realHamOnWry

I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette.

@PaperWash

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

@capnmcfword

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

@lasergirl70

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

@HotSassychik

I’m more confused than a chameleon in a bag full of skittles

@TomSchally

Russian nesting dolls are so full of themselves.

@Faux_Ma

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.