
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I’ve worn glasses three quarters of my life, but I still manage to poke myself in the eye every now and then putting them on!
What happens when you get in a fight with your girl in the spice section?
Bae leaves.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn’t happen by 40 I’ll just start running at random strangers.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”