@amydillon

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

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@AbrasiveGhost

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

@TheAlexNevil

*wakes up feeling healthy and energetic
*eats donuts

Whew, that was close.

@realHamOnWry

I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette.

@PaperWash

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

@capnmcfword

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

@lasergirl70

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

@Faux_Ma

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.