@Dil_Tron
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
@amydillon
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
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@Dil_Tron
@OFalafel
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
@JoshontheGo
I’ve worn glasses three quarters of my life, but I still manage to poke myself in the eye every now and then putting them on!
@StranDadAbroad
What happens when you get in a fight with your girl in the spice section?
Bae leaves.
@sofarrsogud
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
@kylamb16
Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween
@Bob_Janke
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
@SaraMansford
Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn’t happen by 40 I’ll just start running at random strangers.
@calluptome
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
@brianbowman73
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”