“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
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That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.