@amydillon

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

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@Dil_Tron

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

@OFalafel

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

@JoshontheGo

I’ve worn glasses three quarters of my life, but I still manage to poke myself in the eye every now and then putting them on!

@StranDadAbroad

What happens when you get in a fight with your girl in the spice section?

Bae leaves.

@sofarrsogud

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

@kylamb16

Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween

@Bob_Janke

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

@SaraMansford

Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn’t happen by 40 I’ll just start running at random strangers.

@calluptome

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

@brianbowman73

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”