Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
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I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
😂💯
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Pigeon open mic night.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
What flavor cupcake are these