Cardio? Is that in Spain?
You Might Also Like
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…