[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
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dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.