[museum tour in the future]
Racism and sexism ended in the 21st century, when brave Americans argued it out of existence online
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Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Him: Do you always moan this loud when you do that?
Me popping another Reese’s cup in my mouth: Yes, why?
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby
Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?
Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.