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@NicestHippo

[museum tour in the future]
Racism and sexism ended in the 21st century, when brave Americans argued it out of existence online

@fro_vo

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

@MrJeberling

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

@_salt_n_lime

Him: Do you always moan this loud when you do that?

Me popping another Reese’s cup in my mouth: Yes, why?

@MelissaJoy33

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

@WheelTod

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

@joefrog1

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby

Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?

Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?