My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg