@withanewname

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

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@TastyTuneTweets

Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like “You Can Do it” or “Ramen Noodles Aren’t So Bad” when you check your sad Account Balance

@InternetHippo

[inventing dialup internet]
What should it sound like when it’s connecting?
[guy in the back stands up confidently]
Pterodactyls

@Thynebear

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

@david8hughes

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

@mrjohndarby

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

@meganamram

WHEN DO WE STOP COUNTING BACKWARDS I’M AT LIKE NEGATIVE 42,360

@LindaInDisguise

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

@SortaBad

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim