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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
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[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better