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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
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Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
#parenting