Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]

*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

Never understood Monopoly. It’s like saying, “Hey we’re stressed out about real $, so let’s play a game & get stressed out about pretend $.

A lady from the bank called to tell me my bank card had been stolen. We had a good laugh about where the thief would spend all $17 dollars.

I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?

WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT A THREESOME THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS

Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets