Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

@3sunzzz: I'm just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can't a microwave?

1

@RidiculousSheri: Yelp review: Dating You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won't let you bring your cat. Would not recommend.

1

@wakeelee: No, you're not fat, you're just easy to see.

1

@DaddyJew: [heading to any family function] Me: uh oh..I spilled some tequila Gf: where? Me: down my throat

1

@GingerHotDish: *Jumps on bandwagon* Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

1

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets