@samir

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

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@GrantTanaka

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

@wickedsuga

If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.

@TheRolo

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

@Marlebean

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

@fro_vo

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

@david8hughes

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

@waitfortheQ

This mosquito that bit me is going to regret doing it , have fun being on birth control , valium and beer mf .

@007Rex_Inc

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

@mattingebretson

I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression