Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
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Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.