@samir

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

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@pitbull_wizard

[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]

*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*

@LostCatDog

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

@sammyrhodes

Never understood Monopoly. It’s like saying, “Hey we’re stressed out about real $, so let’s play a game & get stressed out about pretend $.

@UltraPunch

A lady from the bank called to tell me my bank card had been stolen. We had a good laugh about where the thief would spend all $17 dollars.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.

@Buffalojilll

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

@ClichedOut

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

@Ginlicker

You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?

@BMcCarthy32

WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT A THREESOME THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS