You Might Also Like
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Follow me for more life hacks.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.