Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
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Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.