@Rollmaninoz

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

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@neiltyson

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

@LizHackett

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

@Parkerlawyer

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

@silent_musings

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

@yaseen_moi

I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.

@thepunningman

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

@mrdaveturner

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.