*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
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If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably