Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
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Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them