@imdaintyaf

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

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@sixfootcandy

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

@druuuck

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

@AbbieEvansXO

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

@lecalabara

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

@hatehug

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

@NotJPo

I may be delusional, but at least every single person I’ve ever met is in love with me

@sarahyehia82

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

@3sunzzz

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.

Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-

Me: *smiling* Absolutely not

Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.

Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.