When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
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Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I may be delusional, but at least every single person I’ve ever met is in love with me
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.
Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-
Me: *smiling* Absolutely not
Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.
Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.