He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
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God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Seems kinda suspicious
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Baked turkey for 4 and a half days – instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?