My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
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me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
That one guy who is always 3 steps behind in the convo…
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[1st day in hell]
Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity.
Me: That’s it?
D: *hands me orange Crocs*
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.